I found a $2 copy of Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers at Evernew Bookstore (where else?) and I’m so glad I bought it! I’ve read it before, but there’s some advice in there that’s still relevant to me.

It’s only now that Layla’s personality is clear to me, and I can see she fits pretty well into the “Touchy” category:

True to her baby self, this little one is sensitive and slow to adapt to new situations. She likes the world ordered and knowable. She hates to be interrupted when engrossed. For instance, if she’s deeply involved with a toy or a puzzle and you ask her to stop, she gets upset and is likely to cry. It’s this toddler who is often labeled “shy,” rather than people assuming, “Oh, it’s her temperament.” Granted, a Touchy toddler may not do well in social gatherings, especially if she feels pushed, and she often has difficulty sharing.

Layla’s also an “Observer,” and here’s what author Tracy Hogg aka The Baby Whisperer has to say about Observers and Interactors:

In my toddler groups, some kids are what I call Observers. Often Grumpy or Touchy types, they tend to hold themselves back a bit. They let another child play with a toy before they attempt it. Or they go off in a corner, where there’s less stimulation and less interference.

Other children, usually Angel, Textbook, and Spirited types, are Interactors. They make eye contact, reach out for other children, kiss them.

I try my best to appear nonchalant if Layla’s non-responsive during social situations; she usually clams up in big groups or a class situation, unless she has a friend with her. But I am often annoyed, and I do push her, sometimes physically, e.g. steering her to the front of the class, or moving her slightly away from me and nearer to the teacher and other kids. Reading the book’s made me realise what I’m doing is completely different from acceptance.

Some Whisperer words to remember, if you have a kid like Layla:

1. Respect your child’s style and pace. If your child is reluctant to join in and wants to sit on the sidelines, let him. Don’t keep saying, “Do you want to play…”

2. Keep your discomfort to yourself; don’t make excuses for your child’s behaviour. Your child will sense your disapproval, and it will make her feel bad about herself or think that she has done something “wrong.” (To others, you can say something like, “Let him get used to you. He’ll be fine in a minute.”)

3. It might help you to reframe your child’s behaviour — he’s cautious, a trait that will serve him well in other ways. (For me, I try to think of it as Layla being more mature, perceptive, and generally adult-like.)

4. Don’t give up on socializing your child or quit a particular group because she doesn’t jump in immediately. If your child is reluctant to participate or wants to leave, simply say, “We made a promise to come here, and we have to stick with it. You can stay here with me and watch.”

5. Expect replays of social difficulties in new settings. Each new situation means going through the warm-up stage all over again.

Just a last point from me about something that worked for us in dance class yesterday. Layla loves to run, and I can see she becomes confident and uninhibited when she’s on the move. So before our class began, I went up to the more outgoing kids in class to engage them in a game of Catch (me being the scary monster), and soon Layla was running along with us and laughing, which I thought helped her shake off a bit of the initial tension and uncertainty. One of the kids — a spunky, independent little girl who apparently prefers not having her parent in the classroom — later approached Layla several times, either to play or to help her with something, so maybe the earlier run had served as an ice breaker as well.