Jul 02 2012
Free To Live
In a couple of weeks I’ll turn 35, and I guess when you’re too old to count presents, you’ll start keeping count of the things you’ve achieved in life. And perhaps birthdays are particularly hard on stay-home moms, because the only thing you can count on is that whatever you’re doing will be undone at some point—sometimes even in a matter of minutes. I’m talking about the tangibles, which for a mom is anything related to cleaning, feeding, and getting to places on time.
Or maybe it’s just me. I had Z in September last year and I decided to take a year off work, as in freelance work. To some people, that’s like going from slow living to even slower living. There is the odd assignment that still finds its way into my life, but for the most part, I’m dealing with a lot of time and very little money. I could probably justify this if I were fully appreciating the children, but the truth is that I’m also short on patience and energy.
Occasionally I am asked to account for how my time is used, and the question that all stay-home moms dread is thrown up: “What do you do all day?” If my husband is the one asking this question, it probably means he is already unhappy with me for other reasons, and he’ll take it upon himself to supply an answer.
Besides vacuuming?
Lately I’ve been asking myself a few questions too. Am I doing what I want to be doing all day? Should I be doing something more meaningful? Am I becoming the sort of person my grandmother warned me never to become: A lazy, do-nothing time squanderer?
Then yesterday, I read an article that I really liked. It was as if it’d been written just for me. (Obviously the delusion of someone who has too much time on her hands!)
Almost everyone I know is busy. They feel anxious and guilty when they aren’t either working or doing something to promote their work.
My point exactly.
More and more people in this country no longer make or do anything tangible; if your job wasn’t performed by a cat or a boa constrictor in a Richard Scarry book I’m not sure I believe it’s necessary. I can’t help but wonder whether all this histrionic exhaustion isn’t a way of covering up the fact that most of what we do doesn’t matter.
I agree completely. Hardly anyone I know has a job that is personally meaningful or makes a difference to the world at large. Of course most people value their jobs for the paycheck, which validates their time spent. But then again, I have something that the working crowd doesn’t:
The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration — it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done.
Which brings me to my theme for the month: I’m working (!) on letting go of the guilt from not being financially productive, and instead, learning to appreciate the fact that I have time, and the freedom to choose how I spend my time. And well, at 35, I’d like to do it wisely. This means opting to have a real conversation with my husband and daughter over virtual connections, knowing when to give myself and my devices a rest, and realising that advertising my life does not make me a better person—learning does.
I’ll leave you with a final reminder from the article:
Life is too short to be busy.
Here’s to a month of loving my time, and spending it well!
Am really looking forward to the entries this month! :)
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E Reply:
July 6th, 2012 at 1:20 am
Thanks Stephii! I think I’ll be featuring that piece on appreciating the ordinary as well!
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Happy birthday month, E!
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E Reply:
July 6th, 2012 at 1:26 am
Thanks Steph! :o)
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I like the theme! Looking forward to reading more. Actually, you do have a job. Because you have the ‘free’ time to do this, I could read these thought-provoking posts or links that will enrich my own learning or experience. Like what I could do with my own free time??
Otherwise, where would I be able to find it or search if I don’t know what I need to know? *wink
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E Reply:
July 6th, 2012 at 1:27 am
You’re always so encouraging, thank you so much, I really appreciate this.
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One word – brilliant!!
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E Reply:
July 6th, 2012 at 1:28 am
Haha! You’re too kind! But if you’re referring to the NYtimes article, agreed!
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This really spoke to me, E. Have been craving for a spot of quietness amidst the harried/hurried life I’m leading…and am making sure I intentionally work hard to make space to breathe too. It’s ironic, isn’t it…:P Looking fwd to more time-ly *ahem* posts from you this mth! And we must do pancakes for your birthday! :P
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E Reply:
July 6th, 2012 at 1:33 am
I’m finding that virtual noise and clutter can make me feel hurried and harried as well! We can talk more when we meet!
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I’d like to think I’m deep ;) Cos I have the free time to reflect and think deeply about the important things in life. And to take steps to make changes that are necessary for a meaningful life. Success as defined by society is ironically not always the most satisfying and life-giving.
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E Reply:
July 6th, 2012 at 1:38 am
Hehe! Actually one of the things I like about a busy life is that it stops me from overanalysing stuff and reading too much into things. But yeah, I get what you mean. I do relish those moments when I’m given a chunk of time and can’t do much with it, like when I’m stuck on a bus in a jam, or in a plane. Those moments are great for reflecting on life!
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Your post resonates with me Eve. I’ve started on some sort of flexi work arrangement since beginning of the year, which translates to more time with the daughter (presumably). But along with it comes expectations (mostly from the hubs and primarily my own self-imposed ideals) that I haven’t been using my time well enough to engage her even though I’m physically present at home. I’m plagued with a sense of guilt when I take time off to rest, to bake or simply catch up on my reading/blogging…As a result, I feel more drained than when I was holding a full time job. Today, you’ve reminded me that it’s alright to embrace the freedom of time and the liberty to choose how to spend it. Thanks for sharing!
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E Reply:
July 6th, 2012 at 1:45 am
Thanks for sharing your story Angie! I’ve always had the neither-here-nor-there feeling as a stay-home mom who freelances. Back when I had more work, I’d be thinking about work during playdates, and planning play activities in my head when it was time to work. I reckon to embrace time, I also have to learn to embrace “now.”
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After I read that article, I was thinking that sounds like me, always replying with a “been busy” when asked how are you. I’m one who can’t stay still and do nothing. But these days, all these activities are tiring my out. I know I need to slow down and just focus on myself more. Still learning as I go, baby steps.
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E Reply:
July 9th, 2012 at 8:40 am
I’m a bit like that too; I’ll get restless if I have too much time on my hands, and waste it on something like FB, hehe. I think it’s hard to get away from the need to use time productively, even when you’re relaxing! At some point you’ll still think you’ll need to do something of value, like… writing a book or doing community work!
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