May 28 2012
Talking About Sex, After Kids
Early this year I hosted a bookclub meeting, and it so happened that there was quite a bit of sexual content in the book that we had picked, so of course we had to talk about it. After the meeting ended and all the guests had left, Alf—who wasn’t part of the bookclub but managed to overhear a good portion of the discussion anyway—said this to me:
That was THE most unsexy conversation I’ve ever heard about sex.
If he were to read this post he’d probably say something similar again, because I’m going to give my two cents on sex but I’m sure as hell not going to make it sexy!
Just a couple of weeks ago, I was out on a playdate and I told another mom that if I didn’t initiate sex I probably wouldn’t see any action at all. (Oh yes, moms do end up talking a lot over playdates and it’s not all rated G!) I think a lot of women would be offended if they were in my position, but I can honestly say that it doesn’t bother me.
See, a long time ago, I got really mad at Alf. I made a laundry list of complaints about him, and I left nothing unturned. Like I’ve mentioned before, this list was long. It spanned a few pages and there were over 100 items on it. We talked about this once and he said he found it hard to approach me after that, sexually speaking, because he wouldn’t know if he was turning me off. It’s been many years since that list and I don’t even remember what I wrote on it. I doubt he does either, so these days I guess we do what we do out of habit.
If you’re not married or don’t have kids and are wondering what sex post-marriage, post-kids is like, let me give it to you straight: Sex doesn’t happen very often, well not in my household anyway. Twice or thrice a month is good, anything more is a bonus. Initiating sex is less about sexy banter or massages or lingerie, and more about creating a temporary space for the husband, on a bed with a baby on it. Want excitement? It comes from hoping the baby next to you doesn’t stir for milk, or that your five year old doesn’t walk in on you halfway. We’ve been pretty good about shutting and locking the door (at some point), but our doors are old and the locks aren’t always dependable.
I should add here that if you’re prone to breaking up and making up like we are, then maybe you’ll have the odd month or two where you’ll go at it like teenagers again, but it’s only happened for us once in the last seven years so don’t hold your breath.
I can already imagine Alf yawning at this, and well… my sex life definitely isn’t tabloid material, considering that I’ve had the same partner since 1999. I have no idea how other women keep their sex lives fresh and fun—with the same person, that is—I should start asking around! Me, I get along by spinning stories in my head, so if you look at it that way, I technically haven’t slept with my husband in years. I borrow material off the news and scandal sheets and place us in the appropriate roles, and yes I do this without telling Alf. If he knew he’d probably roll his eyes and refuse to play along because the plots are usually the same and he’s almost always cast as the villain. I remember talking to Ron (aka the best friend) about this once, and he looked at me and said:
So what you’re saying, is that you’re turned on by newsprint.
I suppose he’s right, in a way. I don’t do celebrity fantasies or think about people I meet off the street. And very rarely do I weave in my friends or anyone that I know in real life; if I had to do that then it must’ve been a slow news day!
Well it works for me and no-one’s complaining.
Y’know when I first started writing this I did think I had something more useful to say about sex, but I guess not! Except that having hung around guys most of my life, I have a hunch that they’d trade in a lifetime’s worth of date nights for more regular sex, and I’m with them on this. The other thing is that if anyone has an “off” switch that stays off for too long in the relationship, it definitely spells trouble. I’ve been privy to too many sex secrets—the lack of sex can wreck marriages and women do head elsewhere, if given the opportunity—and the sad thing is that some men don’t realise it.
Well I’ve said my piece and I’ll turn it over to you instead. You can say anything at all, share a story or a tip, or even ask me questions!
Still laughing here :) Thanks for sharing! No fantasies about strangers here. More like getting over the hump (or mountain somedays) and getting into the mood. Not easy sometimes when I tend to pass out before midnight!
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LOL! Maybe what you need, is more coffee!
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Sometimes it’s so sad that we have to “make time (and space!)” for it and not exactly be as spontaneous as we used to be!
Ai @ Sakura Haruka
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It’s a difficult topic to approach but am doing it on all front now also explaining the need for couple time to our kids and sending them away to stay with their grandparents on the weekends :P
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nice post and a a subject I’ve been long wanting to talk about, but still no guts. Now you’ve inspired me :)
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